Toxic Shame

A childhood friend reached out to me recently. Let us call her Georgina. She is a graphic designer working in a large firm. To many people, she is an example of what accomplished is. However, Georgina contacted me out of desperation.

While others view her as an example of success, Georgina feels inadequate. She thinks that no matter how much she does or how hard she works, she is not being recognized as an authoritative figure in her company. She thinks that whatever she is facing at work with her superiors is similar to her growing up.

Georgina explained to me that when she was young, her father would always push her to do more and to accomplish more because she was not “good enough”. Before long, her father’s voice was stored in her head. It would appear and remind her from time to time that she was not good enough.

Gradually, Georgina, came to believe that she was not good enough, and that she would never be good enough. This led to her feeling ashamed constantly.

Shame is a feeling of disrespect or humiliation because of something you did. You may also experience shame if another person says something or does something to you, and you make it mean that you are the one who is disappointing, not worthy of respect, or disgusting. Shame is usually related to an event or a person/people. It is usually temporary and you are able to recover and function without that shameful feeling.

Toxic shame is when you make it mean it is about you as a person. It is that chronic and persistent feeling of worthlessness and inadequacy. One may be triggered easily by any event or anything that was said. The immediate sentence you have in your head is something like, “I am worthless”, or “I am a bad person”. You generalize your feelings to your life in general. You may also be ruminating on all the other experiences which you think support your belief of self-worthlessness.

Georgina is suffering from toxic shame. Toxic shame may be initiated in childhood. When you hear repeatedly that you are not good enough, you may make it mean that you will never reach a certain standard of approval, and therefore, you are not worthy. You place the opinion of others at the top of your priority, because you have subconsciously let what others think of you define who you are.

This results in low self-esteem, stress, anxiety and depression. You may feel isolated because you do not experience the supportive connection with others. You may also experience self-loathing. The frustration from the belief that no matter what you do will not be good enough overpowers your other thoughts and beliefs. You gradually step toward the dark side, preoccupied by negative and unhelpful thoughts. At the same time, you subconsciously set a “perfect” standard that is impossible to achieve. When you do not achieve that impossible goal, you further perpetuate the belief that you are not enough, that you are worthless.

Besides affecting you mentally, toxic shame may also affect your physical well-being. You may experience unexplained aches and pains. You may have digestive problems. You may have skin rash or hives. You may experience insomnia. There may also be other non-specific physical complaints, not explained by other causes.

As you are feeling inadequate, worthless and ashamed, you are in desperate need of finding something to make you feel better. Some people turn to overeating, substance abuse, going on shopping sprees, or other activities to seek comfort externally.

It is possible to recover from toxic shame. The first step is to be aware of your feelings and your beliefs about you. Acknowledge that what you are thinking is making you feel shameful, worthless or inadequate.

The next step is to keep an open mind and ask yourself if what you are thinking is true. The open mind is important for you to have the capacity to explore other possibilities without judgment.

Allow yourself to experience self-compassion. Imagine how you talk to a loved one, especially a young child, in a loving and uplifting way. What would you say? Would you give the child a love embrace?

Practice mindfulness. Increase awareness of how you physically and mentally feel in a particular moment. Live in the present. Without judgment. Pay attention to all the details about you and your surroundings.

Control only what we can control. We can control how we think about certain things and how we feel. We cannot control what others think about us. It is okay to let go of the belief that others’ opinion determine who you are, or if you are worthy.

Ask for help. Georgina has been seeing a therapist. It is alright to ask for more help. Georgina reached out to me for help from a life coach’s perspective. Sometimes, even by talking to a close friend will make you feel better.

You are worthy. You are enough. Do not let other people convince to believe otherwise. Accept that you are perfectly imperfect. Give yourself grace. Have the confidence that you can be you, and that you get to find ways to contribute with your unique ability.