The Art of Comparing

When you wake up in the morning and look up into the sky, you may think that the grey clouds are not something you prefer compared to the blue sky with no clouds. When you are driving to work, you may think that a particular driver is driving slower than you expected. As a physician at work, you may think that there are too many patients to see, compared to what you think the ideal number should be.

Comparing occurs anywhere and at anytime. Comparing happens even when you do not realize that is what you are doing. Comparing is a natural part of life. It is not something we can get rid of, because it is our human nature to compare. And that is okay. What we can do is to choose what kind of comparing we are doing.

Simply put, there are two kinds of comparing: the healthy way and the unhealthy way.

It is very easy to fall into the unhealthy way of comparing, sometimes without us being conscious of what we are doing. For example, when you see your physician colleague who seems to have it all together. She seems happy. She is leaving work on time with her charts completed. She is having family time. Patients love her. You think that no wonder she is smiling all the time.

You compare all that to yourself. You feel like a mess. You are going home late, charting after hours and barely seeing your family. You feel stressed and overwhelmed with work. You cherish the relationships you have with patients and you do not get to be fully engaged with them because you are too exhausted. When you think about your colleague, you are thinking that you will never be her, because you just cannot achieve what she can no matter how hard you have tried. You then feel discouraged, helpless, stuck and sad. Whenever you see her, you are reminded of how inferior you are, how your life is a mess, and how you can never put everything together as organized as she is in her life.

On the other hand, there is another perspective of comparison. There is the healthy and helpful way of doing it. Take the same colleague as your example. You see that she is all put together. She is always pleasant, gracious and grateful. She is leaving work at work, on time. She shares that she is spending quality time with her family. When you look at her life and compare to your own, you can choose to see that she is what is possible. If she can do it, you somehow can do it too. You just do not know how yet, and you can find a way, maybe with some help. This makes you feel inspired and hopeful. It is motivating you to do something different, because you want a different and better life for yourself.

As comparing is an integral part of life, it is important to distinguish between healthy and unhealthy comparisons. Healthy comparing lifts you up. It allows you to see what is possible. You celebrate the comparison. You are inspired and motivated by what you are comparing yourself with. This kind of comparing is helpful to level up your life.

The unhealthy way of comparing weighs you down. You may feel ashamed of who you are or what you have accomplished (or not accomplished). You may feel that you will never get to where you want to be. The comparing unleashes self-doubt. You question your ability to do things or achieve things. It also sneaks in the voice of self-criticism. You feel upset, frustrated, stressed or annoyed. Or any of the unpleasant emotions which does not help you to move forward. It makes you question your ability. It makes you focus on what you have not accomplished rather than what you can potentially do.

When people say “stop comparing”, it usually means stop the unhealthy way of comparing yourself to others. It is important to have the self-awareness. When you pay attention to what you are thinking, you will be more ready to recognize when you are comparing yourself to others. No one is perfect and that is okay. This is what we cannot change and you can be at peace with it. When you are comparing, you ask yourself what kind of comparing you are doing – the healthy and helpful kind or the unhealthy and sabotaging kind. If you are doing the latter kind of comparison, give yourself some grace. It is only normal human nature. Then think about how you can think to make the comparison a helpful one for your growth and for your feelings. The more you practice it, the easier it is to make healthy and helpful comparisons. You will have more inspiration, motivation and pleasant fuel to learn and grow.