Setting Boundaries

Children usually grow up with a set of instructions and rules set by their parents or guardians. As toddlers, children are often placed within fences or behind 3-foot gates so they are confined in a certain place. The purpose of these limitations is not to bound the children and restrict their freedom; the main purpose is for their safety.

As children grow older, they become more and more curious, and may start to test those boundaries. Testing by outwardly being defiant, such as throwing a temper tantrum. Testing by trying to literally push the make-shift fence in the living room. Testing by not eating certain foods. The list may go on and on. Adults taking care of the children do their best in keeping the set boundaries, and oftentimes may have to explain their reasons for setting such barriers. Some children may still try to cross the boundary to see if there are actual consequences.

I believe that boundaries exist for protection. It is used as a guide for what is beneficial and what it is not. It is used to let others know that, if the boundary is violated, it is not desired. An effective boundary requires the person who sets the boundary to uphold it firmly. An effective boundary also comes with consequences if not observing the boundary.

Children are truly born with the natural talent of testing adults’ boundaries. They do know whose buttons they can push. I was talking to one of my close friends the other day. She was sharing with me how her kindergartener does not really obey what she says, yet that same kid has no problems listening to her father. We discovered that the difference between she and her husband is the strictness of upholding their own boundaries. My friend usually “bends the rules” somewhat, or not exactly following through with the potential consequences which were once declared. Her husband, on the other hand, is firm and follows through with whatever unpleasant outcome or punishment there may be associated with any boundary violation. As a result, my friend feels upset and frustrated when her set boundaries are broken. Her daughter would eventually listen and obey more to avoid her mother’s anger and frustration.

A boundary is a demarcation of what is allowed and what is literally out of line. If the restriction is not marked clearly with potential unpleasant consequences when violated, then the boundary will be disregarded easily. It is alright to express love and be firm at the same time, otherwise children (as with my friend’s situation) will only be good at breaking the rules instead of obeying the standards set forth for them to be better people. We also need to be mindful of our emotions. Let not our negative emotions be the center of the boundary violation, but focus on the reason for setting that particular boundary in the first place.

I believe my friend can lovingly set boundaries for her daughter and carry out the pre-set consequences for boundary violation. Everything for love and to best help a person to be his/her better version.