I’m Not Ready…

One chilly Friday night, my friends and I decided to buy some Chinese take-out and go over to one of our friends’ house. It was a great bonding time, full of sincerity and love. Before you knew it, it was past 11 pm. Way passed time to go home.

As my husband was driving us to less than 100 feet from home, I couldn’t help but yelled desperately, “I have a pee! I have to pee!” I barely made it to the toilet. There was a slightly strange sensation. I didn’t seem to be able to control my urine flow, and there was more volume of fluid than expected. I stood up, about to wash my hands, when I had another urge to urinate. A lot of fluid came out, and I didn’t even know how. I looked at the toilet bowl. Clear, colorless fluid. Not yellow. Could it be…

At that time, I was 36 3/7 weeks pregnant. Just 3 days prior, I was advised to be in bed rest because of low amniotic fluid. An external cephalic version was scheduled for the following week, in attempt to turn the fetus from sitting upright to upside down. In the back of my mind, I knew I was leaking amniotic fluid, but I made myself doubt. So I called up my friend Anna, who delivered her baby 6 weeks ago. She confirmed what I suspected. I picked up the phone and called my on-call OB.

It was around midnight. I was advised to go to the hospital. My husband and I arrived at 12:30 am. I had no idea my head could hold so many emotions at the same time. Anxiety, excitement, hopeful, curiosity, fear… Why me? Why now?

Apparently I was having regular contractions and I was not aware of them. Epidural anesthesia was placed, and I was wheeled into the OB operating room. From the time the incision was made, to the baby delivery, to the time I was sutured – took probably 15 minutes. A new life was born. A little human I was yearning to meet, although somewhat earlier than expected.

I was not ready to be a mother. Wasn’t there supposed to be at least 2 more weeks to spare? There are always unexpected twists and turns in our lives. It is impossible to be ready for every single thing. I was not ready to be a mother. Baby arrived. I chose to jump right in, started to learn and do many new things. I learned how to change diapers. As I was recovering from the surgery I just had, using a total of 3 pushes of PCA pumped iv pain medication, being man-handled by the lactation consultant, I was not ready but I did it. I became a mother.