How Do You Treat Yourself?

Mrs. A is in her 80s and has stage 4 cancer that is controlled with oral chemotherapy. She tells me what bothers her the most is her memory. She has been having more difficulty with short-term memory. She had extensive evaluation with the neurologist and thankfully, she does not have any cancer in her brain. Her neurologist thinks that the chemotherapy is probably accelerating her memory loss.

Sometimes she forgets if she has taken her medicine. She makes to-do lists and sometimes she is not sure if she checks them off accordingly. As she is used having a good memory and being organized, this change is affecting her deeply.

We discussed options of treatment. She is in her third line of treatment, and beyond that, it will likely be other systemic intravenous chemotherapy. Any chemotherapeutic agent may cause memory deficits. There is also the option of stopping treatment, and this will unlikely reverse her memory loss.

We then discussed her relationship with herself. She has the opinion that she should have good memory. She should be just like her old self before cancer. When she is not functioning at the level she expected, she gets flustered and mad at herself.

“Are you being kind to yourself?” I asked.  

That took her back for a second. She could not answer that question.

“Would you talk to someone you love and adore the same way you talk to yourself?” I asked.

Mrs. A then realized that she was talking to herself in a mean way. She was not kind to herself. She resented the way she became. She was frustrated because she was not able to go back to where she was with her memory.

We talked about acceptance. Accepting who she is now. The new her, with some short-term memory deficits. The new her that is not going to go back in time to where she had a good memory. We talked about the frustration of losing control of what she used to control, and having to rely to someone else to assist her in different tasks related to her memory. When she is frustrated about her memory, she acts out by yelling and being short with other people, especially with her husband.  She is thankful to have a very patient husband, and a husband who is by her side all the time.

The new reality of having memory issues is not a pleasant one, and we talked about being kind to her present self. We talked about having peace with who she is. She is still the same person with the same values. We talked about appreciating the things she has. She has a supportive system, a loving husband who takes great care of her. Her cancer is in good control and she is otherwise having good health.

How are you talking to yourself? Are you being kind and loving to yourself? When you are kind to yourself, you accept who you are. You accept the imperfections which make you unique. You do not argue with yourself and wish things you cannot change to be different. You appreciate who you are and accept where you are in life. You are not arguing with your reality.

Then there is more capacity for you to be open to other things. You get to appreciate life more. You see the wonderful things happening for you. You get to be grateful for people around you. You get to explore what you can do to make your situation better – changing and improving things you can do. You get to focus more on living your life’s purpose. When you are able to focus better, you get things done.

Be kind to yourself. Do not blame yourself for unfavorable things that happen to you and you have no control of. Accept who you are and where you are. Pay attention to how you are talking to yourself. When you are kind to yourself, you have more mental capacity to focus on other things. You have better concentration and efficiency to get things done. You also have a more peaceful mind and less likely to react to your circumstances.