Dreaming To Live

(Edit: The picture shown was taken from me touring someone's office. This is not my office, but I love her office!)

I have known at a young age that I wanted to help people by being a physician. That gave me the direction to go. Step by step, I advanced in high school, college, medical school, and residency. Even though I earned the M.D. degree after medical school, I did not consider myself as a “real doctor” until I completed my fellowship training.

Finally, after years of grueling studies and training, I became an attending physician. That was my dream. I envisioned it to be fulfilling and rewarding. What more could I ask for when I could help people the way I wanted to help?

Dreams may not turn out what you think they would be.

Yes, I was helping people, in the profession I longed for. However, my vision was different from the reality. I wanted to create more human connection with my patients. That very same desire became a burden in my clinical day. I was scheduled 15-minute time slots for established patients. That was supposed to be the time for me to see the patient, complete all orders for tests and medicines, fill out any forms and complete the charting documentation – if I wanted to keep my schedule on time. I felt frustrated because I wanted to spend more time with my patients. That was nearly impossible unless I chose to stay 5 or more hours after my clinical hours.

Without dreams, you are functioning in the survival mode.

At that time, I came to the realization that my dream profession was not my dream at all. I was not alone. Many doctors also felt that their clinical work was overwhelming and burdensome. The charting, the endless battles with insurance companies for peer-to-peer reviews and authorizations, the RVU threshold to meet, the expectation to do it all from all directions…These all reduced me to survival mode of living, rather than enjoying or fully experiencing the human life. Survival mode of Dr. Mary was only doing things because they had to be done. The excitement of becoming a full-fledged attending physician quickly turned into a mundane and dull routine. Every day was the same. I felt stuck. I felt trapped. I felt like I had no life outside of medicine.

It is alright (and maybe necessary) to change your dreams at some point.

What I was doing was not living. The survival mode of operation was not long lasting. It was time to examine my life, my long term goals and dreams. Yes, I enjoyed the clinical experience with human interaction. No, I did not want to work 60 hours a week for the rest of my life.

Re-examining my dream was a necessary rite of passage. I got to see what changes I wanted which would suit me at the time. I did not want to just go through the motions every day. It was important for me to be reminded why I chose this profession.

Keep your dreams true to your values.

The more I examine my life, the clearer it is for me to see what my values are. My values shape what my dream will be. To serve other human beings the way I want to serve, in my own timing. For me, it is to focus on the human connection while treating their physical illnesses.

Dream big.

It is alright to be bold and dream about what is not quite possible…yet. Dream without limits. Dream without tagging on the How. Dream with infinite possibilities in mind. As I am focusing on serving humans and making connections, I discovered life coaching will do just that. I get to take my time with the people I help. I get to help and witness the transformational process. I would not have thought in a million years that I would be a life coach. (I did not even know what life coaching was until the not-so-distant past.) Right now, my dream is to do both clinical medicine and life coaching. I am going to spend my time intentionally, be reminded of my dream. Dream to live accordingly. This opens up your horizon, and you may dream of even more amazing things to live for.